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LAZY MLM

Here are some frequently asked questions about this blog, Profit Pimp and the crazy shit he says.

Profit Pimp definitions

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1) What is this place?

Lazy MLM is the hotspot for multi-level marketing misfits — those who’re burnt out, disgusted or determined to do it different.  Selling to friends and family will getcha booted by the bouncer.  So will speaking about your comp plan.  Got it?  Good.  Begin here.

2) Why am I even here?

Gosh darn Google, probably.  Ooh, or karma.  Joking.  Probably Google.

3) Why’d you call it Lazy MLM?

Because I’m a moron, mostly.  I experimented with a network marketing company back in the day and wanted to promote it exclusively online.  No pounding the pavement, throwing home parties, doing three-way calls or trading dignity for dollars.  I built this blog to show network marketers a faster, sexier alternative I suppose.  While I succeeded, I also saw the dark side.  Many MLM companies are bullshit.  Many reps are slimy.  And online promotion, especially, gets saturated fast.  Today?  I’m not really anti- or pro-MLM.  If you believe in what you’re doing and build it without being a conniving douche who spams the internet with hype, go you.  I’m just here to entertain, inspire, crush cliches and hopefully, help you wake up a smidgen happier each day.

4) Who exactly is this Profit Pimp guy?

He’s my alter ego.  He’s what I’d imagine myself to be like if I just snorted a line of cocaine.  Or seven.  Dude’s different.  You can find him in the sky, flying with the fishes.  Or maybe in the ocean, swimming with the pigeons.  Never call him by his birth name — Percy — unless you want five upside your head.

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Today’s blog post is sponsored by “Freedom:”

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When your blog reads like a typical MLM blog, eyes glaze over.

I’m sure you’ve heard of “ad blindness” before, right?  Where you see so many of the same annoying banner ads (for example) hollering at you from thousands of sidebars around the web… all day, every day… that you become immune to them?

Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure there’s a similar phenomenon with web copy.  And it’ll only get worse as more network marketers discover blogging and how it erases everything sucky about traditional offline prospecting, recruiting, Kool-Aid-standing, etc.

In the past week, I’ve talked a lot about creating catchy, charismatic, cliché-free content.  Speaking of sidebars, see mine if you’re all like, “Ya did?”

And if you’re intentionally (but gracefully) a little unorthodox like I suggest, you’re already way ahead of most.  But not all.

To be the spiffy e-spot all the cool prospects wanna hang at?  One must wash the dirty, greasy, grimy MLM sales speak from their archives.

So here’s me handing you a hot pink loofah lathered in soap.

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Network marketers are notoriously piss-poor at making money.

Mostly because the MLM model was invented by a conman named Bubba, who wanted to trick his biker buddies into peddling his overpriced assless leather chaps that no one wanted.  (Fun fact: Bubba was apparently eaten by one of his own neck tattoos.)

Well, that’s how I like to imagine multilevel marketing came to be, anyways.

But the other reason is because everyone’s trying to suck money through a straw.  Meaning, they’re doing work.  They really are.  But their efforts have no capacity.

Ever feel this way?  Like no matter how hard you grind, something’s bottlenecking the shit outta your ability to get paid?

If so, I think I can help.

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biebs-mlm-copywriting

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Picture credit: @JustinBieber’s Instagram.

Dear multilevel marketer,

If you wanna be heard in this stupid-dumb-loud Justin Bieber concert we call the internet, you gotta stop using the first words that come to mind.  Biebs will never notice your groupie-ass.

But there is hope.  It’s called copywriting.  Learn it?  And you might just find yourself backstage with a superstar client.  Or 12.

Relax, it’s not nearly as scary as it sounds.  While a natural knack for writing doesn’t hurt, it’s not an absolute requirement.  And you don’t need any formal training.

I mean, shit.

From what I remember of high school, most of my English classes were spent drifting in and out of eyes-open-naps and drawing some pretty epic doodles.  College?  Was all math and science.  (Not that I went to class anyway.)  And post-college?  Pfft.  The closest I’ve got to a creative writing workshop is scanning Rap Genius for some clever punchlines.

My point: udders, bro.  I can teach you how to get more milk from the words you use online.

So if you’re over masturbating with your marketing, mic check it:

The one thing you can do today to instantly become 1,492,338 times better at typing nouns, verbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, prepositions, conjunctions, and interjections (whatever the fuck those even mean) is: avoid clichés.

With word warfare, this is how you wipe out your adversaries — the millions of other network marketers online, budging in front of you, screaming even louder, desperately fighting for the same scarce attention you are.

Oh, and Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, Yahoo’s home page, TMZ, ESPN, and everything else that’s shiny, sparkly and more entertaining than you.  Those are your competitors too, remember.

It’s a dizzyingly daunting task, huh?  Just being seen is a real bitch, but then you gotta be impressive enough that anyone gives a damn.

So let’s talk about that: in an ever-growing sea of good-looking groupies, how do you become a receiver of double takes?  A dropper of jaws?  The big-boobed blond bombshell of blogging?

Is it really as simple as cutting out clichés?

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Just as Grey Goose and a splash of grapefruit juice compliments strawberry Pop-Tarts, I think this song pairs well with today’s post:

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And here you thought Profit Pimp only had ears for hip-hop.

Okay.  If you’re a network marketer trying to hand out Kool-Aid packets online, this one’s especially for you.

(Whoops, I meant “recruit” — dammit, no, I meant “sell products”… because that’s what MLM is really all about: selling products.  Products that you’d totally take even if there was no money to be made.)

[Throat clear.  Elbow nudge.  Sorry, now where was I with my Caitlyn Jenner story?]

Look, I get it.  You’re in a new deal.  High on hype.

Spencer the sponsor just gave you a pep talk: “Bro, you gotta want it more.  Everyone within three feet — or clicks — needs to hear about our revolution.”

So I understand the urge to make a lazy Facebook post selling the dream of bottles, models and mansions.  Followed by, “PM me to get started.”  (Because selling air — an unlikely opportunity — for thousands of dollars is always that easy.  Riiight.)

I do.  I see how it’s tempting.  But I’d never personally do it.

Ditto blogging, YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, Periscope or whatever the new flavor of the month is.

Not only is that kind of behavior repulsive, but it’s standard.  Suffocating.  Sloppy.  It’s uncreative, far too aggressive and completely one-sided.

It’s all about you.  And unless you’re one of the best bullshitters in the game, it ain’t gonna work.

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What’s Billy-boy gotta do with you, your MLM business and seducing the shorts off the very prospects you’re trying to recruit into it?

I’ll tell ya what: charisma.

Politics and Monica Lewinsky one-liners aside, give it up: this guy is smooth.  He prob’ly cries unicorn tears.

Would you agree that copying Clinton’s allure would be good for business?  I know so.  Whether pitching face-to-face, over the phone, through email, in blog posts or on video, more charisma means more money.

Most network marketers — hell, almost every person on the planet — has none.

It’s like we wake up each day and try to turn our sales swagger on, but can’t find the switch.  So you end up stumbling around in the dark, stubbing toes and shit.  Not cool, bro.

Let’s change that.

Let’s figure this out, you and me.

Charisma is defined as: “compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.”

And research shows that achieving that?  Has little to do with the shit you’re saying and lots to do with how you make someone FEEL.

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money-masturbation

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Ditto free time, focus and effort.

I recently read Essentialism by Greg McKeown.  Verdict?  Mangos.  (That’s my go-to rating for anything one notch above “bananas”).

[Rip it off Amazon right here.  (Affiliate link.)  Or don’t.]

In a taco shell, essentialism means: less but better.

Network marketers are notoriously like, “Say what now?” as they go about their non-essentialist business.  I bet you’re one of ’em.  No offense.  And, unfortunately for you, boo-boo bear, being a non-essentialist is dumb.

It’ll keep you working hard to stay average.  Broke, bitter, busy.

Essentialism will make you rethink everything you currently do throughout a typical day.

McKeown’s masterpiece will leap out from behind the door of that dark room you were about to enter and scare the living shit outta the old you.

The you that thought everything mattered.  The you that said yes to anything.  The you that worked so hard for such a small paycheck.  The you that spends hours every day playing five-on-one with your dinghy.  Pee-wee.  (Your “dinghy,” of course, being a not-so-flattering… but kinda funny… representation of your most precious limited resources.)

It’s true:

One hundred percent of the 97% (give or take) of multilevel marketers who make squadoosh online are chronic money, time, focus and effort masurbators.

So what about the other 3%?  Not the case.

See, the essentialist doesn’t wrestle with the bald champ.  Or beat the bishop.  Or hold the sausage hostage.  Or wiggle the ol’ one-eyed walrus.  (Need me to keep going?  ‘Cause I got more.)

The essentialist has better things to do than tickle his Twinkie.  (Last one.  I swear.)

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The blue collar blogger’s back on the attack.  Profit Pimp has a message every network marketer ought to hear.

Let’s talk about how to sell big ticket products, services and programs to people who can easily afford (and who’ll gladly pay for) them.  Mmmkay?

Watch part 1/2:

Watch part 2/2:

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Dan Kennedy is one of the absolute best direct response marketers and copywriters of our time.  Love his shit.

I specifically wanted to read this book (No B.S. Marketing To The Affluent: No Holds Barred Kick Butt Take No Prisoners Guide To Getting Really Rich) for ideas on taking “big ticket” to another level — as a blogger, a coach and a local lead provider.

I was not disappointed.  Great insights.  You definitely wanna check this one out.

Before I give you the actual book notes, here are the notes I took from the bonus audio CD that was included:

Be careful of the “my business is different” myth.  Marketing to the affluent is universally applicable and necessary.

There’s no leverage in looking for reasons this stuff doesn’t apply.  Anyone can do that.  And most do.  The top earners, however, will creatively figure out ways these principles CAN work in their business.  (Critical for you and I as we tear through the rest of this book review.)

You can achieve a true economic advantage when you’re the sole source of something desirable.  It’s a definitional task.  Brand yourself as the “only expert who does (blank).”  Or do what you do in a way nobody else does it.

(I’m the only f-bomb-dropping, hip-hop-referencing alter ego who blogs about why MLM sucks, for example.  Works pretty damn well for me.  See How I made a million dollars with words for ideas.)

In creative fields, never list prices publicly.  Prospects should never shop you based on price, anyways.

Other advantages that help you sell your products, services and business opportunities for more money: systems, branding/personality (check!), marketing and advertising, performance (getting people more results, for instance).

Selling for less is an unsustainable advantage.  Never EVER try to be the lowest priced provider.  Even Walmart can only make that work for so long.

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So I’m at Panera, double-fisting coffees and books.  I’m taking a break from what I’m reading to type up the notes on another one my dad just finished called The Millionaire Next Door.

Panera Grinding

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By the way, try switching up your work environment.  I started coming over here this week and it’s been lights-out.  I feel like the pound-for-pound productivity champ right now.

Get outta the home office and see what happens.  I bet you’ll get way more done and enjoy it more.

That said, let’s get into it.  The number one overriding takeaway from this book was:

Wealth is what you accumulate, not what you spend

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You’ll see that many of the bullets that follow restate that critical concept over and over, in different ways.  Okay, here goes:

Wealth is more often the result of living a self-disciplined lifestyle, not just making a lot of money.

Here are seven common denominators of rich people:

  1. They always live below their means.
  2. They allocate time, energy and money efficiently.
  3. They believe financial independence is important.
  4. Their children are raised to become self-sufficient.
  5. They target market opportunities.
  6. They choose the right occupation or business.
  7. Their parents did not provide economic outpatient care (EOC)

Only a few millionaires ever lease their vehicles.  (Oops.)

Most millionaires save at least 15% of their earned income.

Only about one in five millionaires are non-college graduates.  Thought this was interesting — made me rethink my “screw college” stance a little.  Actually, I do think college is great for what you learn outside of the classroom.  Life skills and such.  But maybe there’s more to the madness of memorizing a bunch of useless facts (just long enough to pass a test and not a day longer) than I thought.

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Another one by Profit Pimp — the bodybuilder of blogging; Speedo, spray tan, ready to flex for the scrawny MLM crowd.  Hitting a front double biceps pose in 3, 2, 1…

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Treat your people how you want to be treated.  Obvious, but no one does it.  Right?

Outstanding businesses are composed of outstanding people.  This reminded me of Steve Jobs’ philosophy on the importance of working with A-players.  Don’t be stingy or shortsighted.  Pay high-level peeps what they’re worth if you wanna build a high-level business.

Hire an expert to do any job you can’t do.  Their skills will strengthen your business.

No matter how hectic life is, you must make the other person — your prospects, your customers, your downline, your local clients, little Jerry from the ‘hood — feel important.  Doing so will increase their energy and strengthen their affinity towards you.

Praise is the best way for a leader to motivate others.  Give props when props are due.

This one reminded me of Dan: Miggity-Mary said ideas are a dime a dozen, but the few men who actually implement them?  Are priceless.  You want to be known as a “follow-through machine.”  (Dan calls me at least 17 times a day with big ideas.  Which is super annoying.  But the dude makes shit happen.  Can’t deny that.  So I’m happy to put up with it.)

Work on becoming a better listener.  The answers are all around us.

Listen carefully, formulate solutions and be a doer, not a dweller.  A walker, not a talker.  This video will help.

Mary Kay found stupid-good success using a notepad that always listed her top six to-dos.  She was obsessed with getting this list crossed off each day and carried any task over to the next day if she ever pussed out and failed to complete it.  (Too simple?  Hey, don’t mock it unless you’ve rocked it.)

Elite achievers are the ones who follow-through most consistently, regardless of how big or small the workload.  Seeing the pattern here?

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Always keep your investing clean and simple.  The S&P 500 has averaged 11.69% return for over 80 years.

How you handle money has to work in good and bad times: living without cash reserves works in good times, not in bad times.

Motto: live like no one else will today so you can live like no one else can tomorrow.  Delay pleasure now for a greater result later on.  (Apparently, D. Ramsey’s down with stoicism.)  This is a sign of maturity.

Debt is so ingrained in our culture, most people view it as normal or expected.

Myth: debt is a tool used to create prosperity.  Truth: debt is risky, usually doesn’t lead to prosperity and isn’t leveraged by the wealthy as much as we’re led to believe.

There’s no shortcut to any place worth going.

The best way to build wealth is to be debt-free.

Henry Ford said, “Debt is a lazy man’s way of paying for things.”

The borrower is a slave to the lender.  A prostitute to the pimp.  A hostage to the captor.  Furthermore, a loan to a friend or family member is not a blessing; it’s a curse.

Co-signing loans is no bueno.

Buying with credit is the adult equivalent of your kid screaming, “I want it!” when he’s in the shopping cart and you’re cruising past the toy aisle.

Looking flashy to your broke friends isn’t worth it; reaching your goals is.

Did you know?  The average millionaire drives a two-year-old car with no payments.

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