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LAZY MLM

Here are some frequently asked questions about this blog, Profit Pimp and the crazy shit he says.

Profit Pimp definitions

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1) What is this place?

Lazy MLM is the hotspot for multi-level marketing misfits — those who’re burnt out, disgusted or determined to do it different.  Selling to friends and family will getcha booted by the bouncer.  So will speaking about your comp plan.  Got it?  Good.  Begin here.

2) Why am I even here?

Gosh darn Google, probably.  Ooh, or karma.  Joking.  Probably Google.

3) Why’d you call it Lazy MLM?

Because I’m a moron, mostly.  I experimented with a network marketing company back in the day and wanted to promote it exclusively online.  No pounding the pavement, throwing home parties, doing three-way calls or trading dignity for dollars.  I built this blog to show network marketers a faster, sexier alternative I suppose.  While I succeeded, I also saw the dark side.  Many MLM companies are bullshit.  Many reps are slimy.  And online promotion, especially, gets saturated fast.  Today?  I’m not really anti- or pro-MLM.  If you believe in what you’re doing and build it without being a conniving douche who spams the internet with hype, go you.  I’m just here to entertain, inspire, crush cliches and hopefully, help you wake up a smidgen happier each day.

4) Who exactly is this Profit Pimp guy?

He’s my alter ego.  He’s what I’d imagine myself to be like if I just snorted a line of cocaine.  Or seven.  Dude’s different.  You can find him in the sky, flying with the fishes.  Or maybe in the ocean, swimming with the pigeons.  Never call him by his birth name — Percy — unless you want five upside your head.

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Or, how I make money by taking walks, and how you can too, starting today.  Article by Profit Pimp.  Video by B-rad.  Inspired by notes my dad took from The Leader In You by Dale Carnegie.  It’ll all make sense when you press play below.

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[Note: my phone died at the end there.  The perfectionist in me said, “Shit, gotta start over.  Can’t have a chopped-off video on my blog.”  But then I remembered the important advice I gave the other day about perfection being for punks.  I wanted to practice what I just preached.  So I did the best I could do, with what I had, knowing that doing “something” was exponentially better than doing nothing.  So I left it as-is.  Besides, there were only two bullets I missed and they’re pretty straightforward.  Anyways, thanks for understanding.  Now read the post to cement this into that big brain of yours.]

1) You need to lead.  Think about the speed at which change happens today, especially online.  With so much innovation happening so fast, leaders are now more valuable than managers.  If your goal is to make more money, understand that leading is no longer optional.  It’s must-have if you want big boy bucks.

2) Leading is leverage.  Whether you’re stubbornly still building some stupid MLM (dumb!) or bravely building a local lead generation business (smart!)… the more you can uplift, inspire, and shove others out in front of oncoming success (crunch!)… the better you’ll feel and the more you’ll make.

3) Walk the walk.  And you know what pisses me right the fuck off?  You’ve heard this at least 472 times in your life.  So me — on behalf of Dale — mentioning it for a 473rd time?  Ain’t likely to change your ways.  But lemme try.  Here are four specific examples of six figure businesses I’ve built online, all by walking the walk:

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Target

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What if you walked into Target and immediately had a red-shirted-khaki-pantsed asshole just start screaming at you at the top of his lungs?

“Heyyyy!  So glad you’re here!  Buy everything in the store and stay forever!  Okay?!?”

“Uh, I just need paper towels, psycho,” you might say.

And that’s if you didn’t turn around and book it right back out the same door you just came in.

Oh, but wait.  It gets worse.

So our overzealous Target employee — who we’ll call Mr. Creepy — grabs you by the wrist, pivots, and makes a beeline for the paper towel aisle, forcefully yanking you along for the ride.

“What the fuck is this guy’s problem?” you ponder, trying your best not to coldcock him with your free hand.

Angry, winded and completely baffled, you finally arrive at the paper towels.

But before you can snatch a roll of Bounty’s and run for your life, the determined Mr. Creepy — who doesn’t seem to notice that you’re stupid mad at this point — cock blocks your attempt and rips a random roll off the shelf instead.

“Lemme tell you about these generic paper towels,” he says in his best Jordan Belfort voice.  “Now these are the ones you want.”

“FML, really?” you think to yourself as he starts (metaphorically) vomiting from the mouth about how these “game-changing” paper towels are the best-kept secret in Aisle A3.

Dude’s pushing so hard, you start to become skeptical.

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Written by Profit Pimp — the wittiest wordsmith west of Wisconsin and east of Eagan.  Check your map, mister.  He’s childish.  Madagascar.  ’06 Chevy Cobalt looking like a NASCAR.  Shall we?

Black Eyed Peas Imma Be

Just to getcha in the mood:

What’s your “Imma be” look like?  Ever thought about it?  Like, how the hell are you living a year from now?

Is it anything like Will.I.Am?

Imma be the average brother with soul
Imma be world wide international
Imma be in Rio rockin Tokyo
Imma be brilliant with my millions
Loan out a billion, I get back a trillion
Imma be a brother, but my name ain’t Lehman
Imma be ya banker loading out s@&%#

Imma be up in the club
Doin whatever I like
Imma be poppin that bubbly
Cool and livin that good life
Oh let’s make this last forever
Partyin when you together

On and on and on-and-on-and
On and on and on and on and

Or is it more about rotting away at the job you hate, living check-to-check, and more of the same — getting ready to get ready?  (To make a change.)

I’m honestly not sure what’s worse: not knowing where you’re going or being too chicken shit to at least get in the fucking car.

Be honest:

  • How many times were you going to build that website, but didn’t… because you couldn’t decide on the perfect domain name?  Or theme?  Or logo design service?
  • How many times have you thought about really learning SEO, but didn’t… because you couldn’t afford the how-to course?
  • How many times have you told yourself, “Today’s the day I’ll start making YouTube videos,” but didn’t… because your camera wasn’t good enough or your lighting was shit?
  • How many times were you gonna test some Facebook ads, but didn’t… because your landing page wasn’t as slick as the guru’s you just saw?  Or the idea of losing $100 made you wanna find your old banky and assume the fetal position?

I’ll answer for you: “A lot.”  Probably almost every day for the past, what, couple years?

I know because I’ve been there.

And as someone who came out the other side, victorious — and, as someone who just lost an uncle, unexpectedly and tragically — I say this with complete clarity and absolute urgency:

“Perfection is for punks.”

You’ll never feel ready.  You’ll never have the money.  You’ll never have the time.  And if you wait for the stars to align?  You’ll die.  Waiting.

It’s time to start.  Today.  (Now works just fine, in fact.)

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This article is brought to you by Profit Pimp — word player, paper-thin president slayer, Calvin Klein’s resting on his Louis V loafers ’cause he’s blogging his ass off.

MLM money

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Of the $7,000 (yes I rounded up) in new business I’ve earned today, about $4,000 of it came from one article I wrote nearly two years ago.

Even though I much prefer talking about the money my coaching clients are making, I needed to get your attention.

Today’s tips are backed by lots of experience.  And benjamins.

This is what I do best.  My number one skill.  Please don’t take this lightly.  Millions of dollars are at stake.

What I’m about to share applies to any internet business.

Doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re selling (as long as it’s not Kool-Aid).

Based on my entire five year online marketing career, there’s one task that has been responsible for almost all of my income: publishing.

Whether it be blog posts like this, YouTube videos, emails or Facebook updates, creating content and pressing publish… thousands of times… has made me a millionaire.

Of course, that’s a massive oversimplification.  The dead presidents are in the details.  And that’s exactly what I wanna cover.

But before I do, let me sell you on the idea of becoming a digital publisher.

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Written by the anti-network marketing millionaire, Profit Pimp.  This is important.

big assets online

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Ever heard of Garry Kasparov?  Probably not.

Back in the day, dude was the number one ranked chess master worldwide.  He’d run through other chess nerds like he was taking out the trash.

Until one fateful day in May of 1997 … where he was epically defeated in a six-game match.

“Deep Blue” — a computer, not an adult entertainer — was the victor.  Yes.  You heard that right.  A computer.

And IBM engineered this thing so damn well, it took Deep Blue a measly 19 moves to dethrone the former world champ.

Now.  Here’s why you should care about this story:

Deep Blue holds the secret to making lots of money online

The following day, “Machine Beats Man!” headlined all the major newspapers.

Hmm.  I disagree.  If you ask me, the machine didn’t beat shit.  Kasparov was really playing against the entire crew of IBM coding wizards who worked closely with hundreds of other top chess proteges to create the ultimate chess “opponent.”

(Can’t you just see a buncha Bill-Gates-looking-mofos screaming, “Checkmate, bitch!” when their baby made that last lethal move?)

My point is this: it took the collective wisdom of hundreds of the world’s premiere chess players plus genius coders and software developers to take out the mighty Garry Kasparov.  Not a computer.

Humungous difference.  Amiright?

Now I want you to imagine something.  Say we had the internet marketing equivalent of 500 chess experts, all obsessively practicing their one game, day and night, for the past year.

And what if we took their collective knowledge and real-world experience and mixed it together to form our own version of a supercomputer?

If it worked anything like Deep Blue … and I handed it to you … think you’d be able to beat any other average, one-man-show out there?

Fuckin’-a-right you could.

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Foggy window, soggy “endo,” Profit Pimp’s lighting up lead generation for his kinfolk.  No playing around, he’s down to blaze a pound.  (Of lead gen wisdom.)

smoking lead generation for network marketers

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(No blunts were smoked during the typing of this message.)

Network marketers can get leads, literally, hundreds of ways.  For the sake of this article, I’ll assume you prefer online lead generation… and preferably, without spending money.

Even then, I could map out exhaustive strategies for blogging, YouTube, forums or social media.

That’s not what you need though.

You don’t need more step-by-step bullshit.  You need to figure out your “keystone habits,” as my player partner James Clear says.  What are the 1-2 things that you should be doing, that align with your signature strengths, that’ll produce the most leads?

For me?  And I’ve said this at least a hundreds times–sorry for the redundancy–it’s blogging.

If you’re trying to build your MLM online and can’t figure out which way’s up, stop everything, set the Snickers down, and read the first two books on my recommendations page.

Still here?  Cool.  Then you should already know exactly what you need to be doing each day to get more leads.

That’s not why you’re here.

You may think it is, but it’s not.

You’re here because you need better habits.  If you’re not generating enough leads today, your business-building habits need a facelift.

(Scalpel, please.)

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Composed by Profit Pimp, the unsolvable riddle.  He’ll have you hitting high notes like these words come with a fiddle.

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Whether you follow MMA or not, you need to study this guy.

Conor McGregor.  He talks.  He backs it up.  He “takes heads.”  And cashes checks.  Out of nowhere, he’s become an international superstar.

I’m obsessed with the way he thinks.  His clairvoyance.  His optimism.  His conviction.

He’s been boldly forecasting he’ll be the new UFC Featherweight Champion since before anyone knew he could even fight.  Five UFC wins (four of them finishes via TKO) later, the skeptics are becoming believers.

Everyone’s mind is blow but his.

That’s the fascinating part.  It’s one thing to say some crazy shit; it’s another to believe it; and another still, to go out and make it happen.

I can barely predict publishing a blog post.  I need to be more like Conor McGregor.  So do you.

From his recent media scrum I posted above, here are nine takeaways every multi-level-marketing-Kool-Aid-guzzling-addict needs to hear:

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Written by the notorious Profit Pimp.  The cow goes, “Moo.”  Pot roast.  So futuristic he’s already over his next post.

making-money-like-terminator

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If I say, “Arnold Schwarzenegger,” you say?

  • Immigrant
  • Bodybuilder
  • Millionaire
  • Terminator (“I’ll be back.”)
  • Governor
  • Maria Shriver (love child)

Yes, dude’s made some oopsies.  But he’s also one of the greatest immigrant successes of our generation.

You and I have a lot to gain by studying Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Make sure you add his autobiography, Total Recall, to your book list.

Here’s an overview:

He was born in a year of famine, in a small Austrian town, the son of an austere police chief.  He dreamed of moving to America to become a bodybuilding champion and a movie star.

By the age of twenty-one, he was living in Los Angeles and had been crowned Mr. Universe.

Within five years, he had learned English and become the greatest bodybuilder in the world.

Within ten years, he had earned his college degree and was a millionaire from his business enterprises in real estate, landscaping, and bodybuilding.  He was also the winner of a Golden Globe Award for his debut as a dramatic actor in Stay Hungry.

Within twenty years, he was the world’s biggest movie star, the husband of Maria Shriver, and an emerging Republican leader who was part of the Kennedy family.

Thirty-six years after coming to America, the man once known by fellow body­builders as the Austrian Oak was elected governor of California, the seventh largest economy in the world.

He led the state through a budget crisis, natural disasters, and political turmoil, working across party lines for a better environment, election reforms, and bipartisan solutions.

With Maria Shriver, he raised four fantastic children.  In the wake of a scandal he brought upon himself, he tried to keep his family together.

Until now, he has never told the full story of his life, in his own voice.

Here is Arnold, with total recall.

If a no-name immigrant can leave everything behind, come to a foreign land, learn a new language and literally become the very best in multiple (unrelated) industries, there’s GOT to be something to the way this man approaches difficult tasks.

Millions of Americans devote decades trying to achieve just one of those milestones–to become a millionaire in real estate; or an A-list actor; or a known bodybuilder; or a governor; or something similar.

And still fail.

Yet, here’s Arnie, conquering every seemingly insurmountable goal he ever dared to dream up.

His secret?  (As you’ll read about.)

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By Profit Pimp.  Try, but you’ll never find him.  Nemo.  He’s out shopping for his second mansion.  Sequel.

live long and strong

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If you follow my advice on this blog, I’m confident you’ll make plenty of money.

But you need to live long and strong to fully enjoy it.

So let’s talk about that.  In 50 Secrets of the World’s Longest Living People, Sally Beare explores longevity hotspots like Bama, China; Hunza, Pakistan; Okinawa, Japan; Campodimele, Italy; and Symi, Greece–and explains how these civilizations are not only outlasting us, but doing so gracefully.

These pockets of people have commonly lived past 100 years old, without so much as a headache.

And most of ‘em aren’t nearly as advanced as us in terms of medicine and technology.

Yet, here in America?  It’s like we’re tiptoeing through a minefield of disease.

Diabetes, hypertension, cancer, depression, anxiety, acid reflux, you name it–if you don’t step on one, you’re bound to step on another.  But as you know, we’re victims of our own success.

The majority of aches, pains, illnesses and life-threatening conditions are self-induced.

If our lifestyle wasn’t so pathetic, our lab tests wouldn’t be, either.

So why not change?  Why not stack the deck in our favor?  And study those who’ve been living much longer, healthier lives than us?

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Written by Profit Pimp, aka the Adrian Peterson of blog posts.  Spanking that ass one word at a time.  His cane?  Starburst.  His grill?  Skittles.  Swagger sicker than a third floor in hospitals.

Kanye-Net-Worth

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The average person hates Kanye West.

Think he cares?  Nope.

I mean, if having a herd of haters is a symptom of success, dude’s sicker than a dog.

His net worth is listed as somewhere between $30 and $130 million.  (I know.  Big range.)  But I’m assuming you’d be okay with either, right?  Yeah.  Me too.

So instead of grazing with the sheeple and automatically jumping on the I-hate-Kanye-because-he’s-rich-loud-and-different bandwagon, let’s at least try to understand how he became the music mogul he is today.

The first thing that sticks out about ‘Ye, to me, is the fantasyland he lives in.

I used to think he just said crazy shit to get noticed, but the more I study him, the more I’m sure he really believes it.

Throughout various interviews, songs and rants, Kanye West has compared himself to the likes of Steve Jobs, Beethoven, Barack Obama, God, Jesus, Leonardo da Vinci, Walt Disney, Pablo Picasso and many others.

“Kanye’s Kingdom,” as I like to call it, is a world reimagined.  Only he sees it that way.

To the rest of us?  It’s delusional.  To him, however?  It’s reality.

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