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LAZY MLM

Here are some frequently asked questions about this blog, Profit Pimp and the crazy shit he says.

Profit Pimp definitions

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1) What is this place?

Lazy MLM is the hotspot for multi-level marketing misfits–those who’re burnt out, disgusted or determined to do it different.  Selling to friends and family will getcha booted by the bouncer.  So will speaking about your comp plan.  Got it?

2) Why am I even here?

Gosh darn Google, probably.  Ooh, or karma.  Joking.  Probably Google.

3) Why’d you call it Lazy MLM?

Because I’m a moron, mostly.  I experimented with a network marketing company back in the day and wanted to promote it exclusively online.  No pounding the pavement, throwing home parties, doing three-way calls or trading dignity for dollars.  I built this blog to show network marketers a faster, sexier alternative I suppose.  While I succeeded, I also saw the dark side.  Many MLM companies are bullshit.  Many reps are slimy.  And online promotion, especially, gets saturated fast.  Today?  I’m not really anti- or pro-MLM.  If you believe in what you’re doing and build it without being a conniving douche who spams the internet with hype, go you.  I’m just here to entertain, inspire, crush cliches and hopefully, help you wake up a smidgen happier each day.

4) Who exactly is this Profit Pimp guy?

He’s my alter ego.  He’s what I’d imagine myself to be like if I just snorted a line of cocaine.  Or seven.  Dude’s different.  You can find him in the sky, flying with the fishes.  Or maybe in the ocean, swimming with the pigeons.  Never call him by his birth name–Percy–unless you want five upside your head.

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Written by the notorious Profit Pimp.  The cow goes, “Moo.”  Pot roast.  So futuristic he’s already over his next post.

making-money-like-terminator

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If I say, “Arnold Schwarzenegger,” you say?

  • Immigrant
  • Bodybuilder
  • Millionaire
  • Terminator (“I’ll be back.”)
  • Governor
  • Maria Shriver (love child)

Yes, dude’s made some oopsies.  But he’s also one of the greatest immigrant successes of our generation.

You and I have a lot to gain by studying Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Make sure you add his autobiography, Total Recall, to your book list.

Here’s an overview:

He was born in a year of famine, in a small Austrian town, the son of an austere police chief.  He dreamed of moving to America to become a bodybuilding champion and a movie star.

By the age of twenty-one, he was living in Los Angeles and had been crowned Mr. Universe.

Within five years, he had learned English and become the greatest bodybuilder in the world.

Within ten years, he had earned his college degree and was a millionaire from his business enterprises in real estate, landscaping, and bodybuilding.  He was also the winner of a Golden Globe Award for his debut as a dramatic actor in Stay Hungry.

Within twenty years, he was the world’s biggest movie star, the husband of Maria Shriver, and an emerging Republican leader who was part of the Kennedy family.

Thirty-six years after coming to America, the man once known by fellow body­builders as the Austrian Oak was elected governor of California, the seventh largest economy in the world.

He led the state through a budget crisis, natural disasters, and political turmoil, working across party lines for a better environment, election reforms, and bipartisan solutions.

With Maria Shriver, he raised four fantastic children.  In the wake of a scandal he brought upon himself, he tried to keep his family together.

Until now, he has never told the full story of his life, in his own voice.

Here is Arnold, with total recall.

If a no-name immigrant can leave everything behind, come to a foreign land, learn a new language and literally become the very best in multiple (unrelated) industries, there’s GOT to be something to the way this man approaches difficult tasks.

Millions of Americans devote decades trying to achieve just one of those milestones–to become a millionaire in real estate; or an A-list actor; or a known bodybuilder; or a governor; or something similar.

And still fail.

Yet, here’s Arnie, conquering every seemingly insurmountable goal he ever dared to dream up.

His secret?  (As you’ll read about.)

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By Profit Pimp.  Try, but you’ll never find him.  Nemo.  He’s out shopping for his second mansion.  Sequel.

live long and strong

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If you follow my advice on this blog, I’m confident you’ll make plenty of money.

But you need to live long and strong to fully enjoy it.

So let’s talk about that.  In 50 Secrets of the World’s Longest Living People, Sally Beare explores longevity hotspots like Bama, China; Hunza, Pakistan; Okinawa, Japan; Campodimele, Italy; and Symi, Greece–and explains how these civilizations are not only outlasting us, but doing so gracefully.

These pockets of people have commonly lived past 100 years old, without so much as a headache.

And most of ‘em aren’t nearly as advanced as us in terms of medicine and technology.

Yet, here in America?  It’s like we’re tiptoeing through a minefield of disease.

Diabetes, hypertension, cancer, depression, anxiety, acid reflux, you name it–if you don’t step on one, you’re bound to step on another.  But as you know, we’re victims of our own success.

The majority of aches, pains, illnesses and life-threatening conditions are self-induced.

If our lifestyle wasn’t so pathetic, our lab tests wouldn’t be, either.

So why not change?  Why not stack the deck in our favor?  And study those who’ve been living much longer, healthier lives than us?

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Written by Profit Pimp, aka the Adrian Peterson of blog posts.  Spanking that ass one word at a time.  His cane?  Starburst.  His grill?  Skittles.  Swagger sicker than a third floor in hospitals.

Kanye-Net-Worth

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The average person hates Kanye West.

Think he cares?  Nope.

I mean, if having a herd of haters is a symptom of success, dude’s sicker than a dog.

His net worth is listed as somewhere between $30 and $130 million.  (I know.  Big range.)  But I’m assuming you’d be okay with either, right?  Yeah.  Me too.

So instead of grazing with the sheeple and automatically jumping on the I-hate-Kanye-because-he’s-rich-loud-and-different bandwagon, let’s at least try to understand how he became the music mogul he is today.

The first thing that sticks out about ‘Ye, to me, is the fantasyland he lives in.

I used to think he just said crazy shit to get noticed, but the more I study him, the more I’m sure he really believes it.

Throughout various interviews, songs and rants, Kanye West has compared himself to the likes of Steve Jobs, Beethoven, Barack Obama, God, Jesus, Leonardo da Vinci, Walt Disney, Pablo Picasso and many others.

“Kanye’s Kingdom,” as I like to call it, is a world reimagined.  Only he sees it that way.

To the rest of us?  It’s delusional.  To him, however?  It’s reality.

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Written by me.  Brad.  Not Profit Pimp.  (For a change.)  He’ll be back tomorrow.  I’m fairly sure.

me-human

Oh?  That?  That’s just me in my cool new shades, taking a road trip with the fam.

Why?  Because I’m Tom-Cruise-Top-Gun cool.  And my life’s awesome.

my-new-ride-home

That?  Oh, tee-hee, that’s just my new 354-hp 2015 Audi SQ5.  Paid for in cash, of course.  Why?  Because I’m rich.  Duh.

the-fam-wedding

And, as you can see, I’ve got the picture-perfect family.

All that’s missing is a Golden Retriever puppy and white picket fence, huh?

Now.  Before you find out where I live and swing by to burn my house down–it’s 4,400 sq ft so bring plenty of gasoline–everything above was said with extreme sarcasm to make a point.

Which is:

What the fuck, people?

Social media is turning even the most modest of us into perpetual posers.

You log in to Facebook, scroll through your timeline and what do you see?  Pictures, videos, blurbs and subliminal messages that tell a story.

But not just any story.  Fictionalized fantasies, carefully crafted to ensure certain conclusions are drawn.

Like the ones I wrote above.

Everything’s filtered.

Status updates are rewritten seven times.  Instagram pics are only uploaded when they scream COOL.  Even then, they’re touched up, photo-shopped and framed just right.  YouTube videos–especially from internet marketers–are mysteriously always filmed in exotic locations.  (Shit.  Guilty.)

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Brought to you by Profit Pimp.  Glass of Cognac in his left hand.  Game tighter than a headband.  His vision?  Blurry.  These females?  Flirtin’.  He’s been sippin’ all night–I bet his kidney’s hurtin’.

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Six figure earner?  Yawn.

Millionaire?  Whatever.

Billionaire?  Hold up.  Let me set this Cognac down and grab a pen.

Stop studying so small.  Anyone can do six figures.  Most can do seven.  But ten?  A thousand million dollars?  Almost no one pulls that off in a lifetime.

CNBC says 2,325 to be exact; Forbes says 1,645.

Let’s average that and say there are approximately 2,000 ba-ba-ba-billionaires (sorry, could hardly get that out) in the world today.

Out of, what, 7.2 billion people on the planet?

[Me]: “Will I become a billionaire?”

[Magic 8 Ball]: “You’re a douche.  Oh, and outlook does not look good.”

[Me]: “Jeez, wanna kick my puppy too?”

[Magic 8 Ball]: “All signs point to yes.”

*Throws Magic 8 Ball through window*

Okay, so maybe billionaire isn’t in the cards for me.  Or you.  But like the saying goes, “aim high and shit.”

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By billionaire Charlie Munger.  Summarized and spiced up by Profit Pimp, the (slightly more gangster) Dr. Drew for chronic Kool-Aid sippers.

Kool Aid Sippers

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If you don’t know who Charlie Munger is, he’s got a net worth of $1.3 billion.  With a “B.”

He’s Vice-Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, attended Harvard Law School and both Warren Buffett and Bill Gates consider him one of the smartest dudes they’ve ever met.

But hey, who’s got time to study billionaires, right?

When there’s a Google Hangout going down and Tito the top earner’s about to make a big announcement?

I mean, according to the 17 templated emails–with no shortage of extra hype-y headlines, yellow highlighter, exclamation marks and vagueness–you just received from 17 different sheeple on Team WUKAR (for example), it’s supposed to be a total game changer.

Tell you what.

You attend story time.  I’ll be over here, with the adults.

Here’s my summary of seven universal truths shared by I-get-money-Munger (his new nickname) at a USC Law commencement speech back in the day.

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By the Picasso of digital publishing, Profit Pimp.  A bona fide blogging bandit, his money flows like a slit wrist (no Band-Aid).

donkey-success-fable

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There’s a father and his young son.  They’re riding a donkey.  Way way back in the day.  I think it was the one above.

(The kid had an iPhone, apparently.)

Anyways, they’re moseying along–does a donkey mosey?–into town and pass by some peasants.

The peasants look at one another with disgust, wondering what kind of father and son are so cruel to animals that they’d make this poor little donkey work so hard.

The father, being aware, picks up on this.

Feeling like a huge dick, he hops off and lets his son ride the donkey solo.

It wasn’t long before they met another group of people.  One of ‘em goes to the little boy, “I’d never let my son disrespect me like that.  You should let your father ride, while you walk.”

So the boy gets off and his father gets on.

They go a little further.  But wouldn’t you know, the next group of people go, “What kind of father does that to his own kid?”

Frustrated, they both get off and continue walking, on foot, alongside the donkey.

They approach one last group of people before reaching their final destination.  To their surprise, they were greeted with laughter and finger pointing.  “What kind of idiot buys a donkey and then doesn’t use it?” they sneer.

What’s the moral of this fable?

Well, there’s a few, actually:

  • You shouldn’t listen to everyone
  • You can’t please everyone
  • Doing either is a fool’s game

Network marketers should remember this story.  These takeaways are important for your business success and overall happiness in life.

One of my mentors told me the key to his success was learning to ignore what 99 out of 100 people were saying, but listening intently to the 1% who’re worth a damn.

Sage advice.

I might even take it a step further and go all hyper-Pareto on that ass, pressing the mute button on more like 999 out of 1,000 peeps I come across.

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Another criminal content piece from Profit Pimp.  If you’re a network marketer who wants money, power and swag out the shower, bookmark this blog.  Soak up everything he spills.  Dude’s so relaxed his Gucci flats ain’t got a scratch.

Hostage to the mob

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Are you being held captive by your debts?

Ever feel like the unfortunate fool in the trunk?  Hands tied, mouth duct taped shut, lying helplessly in the fetal position, collection agency hovering over you, watching your every move?

Or maybe it’s not quite that dramatic.  But still.  Owing people, businesses, corporations, banks and the government money is not ideal.

It puts you in a position of weakness.

When you borrow money, you’re a hostage to the hostage-taker; a slave to the master; a prostitute to a pimp (couldn’t resist).

I read that the average American is something like $230,000 in debt.

The breakdown was about $15,000 in credit card debt, $150,000 in mortgage debt, $32,000 in student loan debt and $31,000 in auto loan debt.  Plus interest on all the above.

(I rounded figures off for ease of reading.  You get the point.)

Which is: holy hell.

With a median household income of just $50,000, coupled with chronic spending problems, average Alex is toast.  He’ll be in that fetal position until the day he dies.

Wouldn’t you rather be the dude with the two-piece Hugo Boss designer suit, iPhone 6 Plus and the 50 cal Desert Eagle?

Sure you would.

But how?  How do you flip that switch?

How do you go from putting $50 on the layaway to a closet that’s Fifty Shades of Grey?

(Keep up now.)

Well, you’ve got two options:

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From the cerebral blogging Beatle, Profit Pimp.  If his competitors are dogs, his words are animal cruelty.  If he ever walked past you, he’d smell like Snitch, I’m Rich Cologne.  He’s sexy and he knows it.  Are you?

power-money-sex

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Yesterday I wrote about attracting hotties, hundreds and happiness.  Consider this a follow-up to that one, with even more emphasis on sexy time.

If we’re in agreement that nature’s plan is the ultimate blueprint to follow, let’s talk practicality.

We look the way we look, right?

But I said men with v-tapers (a la Brad Pitt in Fight Club) and women with hourglass figures (a la Kim Kardashian) are automatically more desirable to, uh, sleep with.

I’m far from an expert on evolutionary psychology, but as I understand it, we have a subconscious urge to find the best mates.

This means seeking out those who’re most likely to have healthy, successful offspring.

B-rad and Kimmy are damn good examples of what that looks like.

By the way, there’s a few reasons I feel your sex life is relevant to this weird blog I call Lazy MLM.

One, I’m sick of talking about money.  There’s so much noise about making money online in this industry, it’s literally cliche to even blog about it at this point.

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